2016 Power Rankings-Week 6
Introduction All I do is win, win, win no matter what (as long as the team I play can’t break 170). Yes, your commish sits atop the league alongside the defending champ. But we are only five weeks into the season. We have seen some monumental collapses in our day. We have also seen some great rallies. No one can forget the 2011 run by Papa’s Posse. Many will remember RIP’s 2014 collapse. With eight weeks left in the season and the last place team only two games out of a playoff spot, anything is still possible. Before we begin, a quick update on my life: This last week featured a big personal, professional, and political moment for me. First, I found an apartment and may be signing a lease...with a girl...who is my friend...my girlfriend. Yes, I may be relocating from New York and thus abandoning the career foundation I spent the last three years building. Do I look nervous? Then, my assistant at work quit. So now instead of not being paid enough to do my job, I get to not be paid enough to do my job and someone else’s job. Why does this matter to you? Well it means instead of spending five hours at work putting together these power rankings I need to find five hours of my own time, which isn’t easy (see above for the part where I live with my girlfriend). And finally, I voted for President because I get to mail in my ballot early. Who do you guys think I voted for? I’ll give you a hint, it wasn’t Bernie Sanders. And yes, now that you mention it, I AM upset I didn’t wait an extra week for Ken Bone to come into our lives. I would have written him in so fast. It would have created a shockwave so powerful that Jordan Reed would have gotten his 7th concussion. Needless to say, shit is crazy. So I’m sorry for the possibly abbreviated power rankings this week and next. I promise you next week I am going to try my best to pretend I’m working so that I can do these rankings at the office like God intended. Stat Notes * Major Congratulations to MVP. They become the first team to hit 50 combined wins. 50 wins in 80 games is a record only one team will be able to beat: The Shotti Bunch. * MVP becomes the fifth team to see 14,000 regular season points against. * MMMS becomes the second team to reach 15,000 regular season points scored. * MMMS becomes the sixth team to record 30 regular season losses. Survivor Update Jared is our only eliminated contender this week. Jare made the mistake of picking the defending champs to beat the Falcons, the team whose biggest accomplishment was winning a trophy for Papa’s Posse five years ago. Four teams remain and all four picked the Packers. I'll post the updated chart in the Facebook thread soon. You know the drill, get me your picks by 1pm on Sunday (unless you’re picking the Thursday games). Power Rankings 1(1). The Shotti Bunch Bench Points - 37.93 TPS - 271.75 2015 Week 6 Ranking - 2 Green STUNK. Enunwa STUNK. Miller STUNK. Inman STUNK. McKinnon STUNK. And Shotti still put up 233 points. Brady came back and looked a little rusty, only putting up 400 plus yards and 3 TDs. Sure that was good enough for AFC Player of the Week but can you imagine if his balls were deflated the way he likes them? He would’ve put up 700 yards and another 5 TDs easy.* Shotti made a point of reminding me that he has Martellus Bennett, who scored 3 TDs as well. Cool man, we get it, you’re good at fantasy. TSB now has a four game winning streak in four of their five seasons, including both of their championship years. *This is actually what people think. Actual adults who hold jobs and are procreating think that a malicious and shady deflation of league regulated footballs, a team-wide conspiracy that is a real thing and definitely not made up, has led to Tom Brady and the Patriots' success. Actual adults who should throw themselves in front of a freight train. ---- 2(5). RIPDab Bench Points - 40.58 TPS - 308.55 2015 Week 6 Ranking - 5 Over 262 in three straight weeks and now facing Paddock 9, the LoC equivalent of the bye week. Things are looking pretty, pretty, pretty good for RIPDab. Two massive games against The Shotti Bunch later this month are shaping up to be matchups of the century. Since hitting The Groot Line in total franchise wins, RIP has ripped off three straight wins and they look like they may never lose again, which means they will probably be upset by P9. ---- 3(4). GaroppoblowMe Bench Points - 28.51 TPS - 220.70 2015 Week 6 Ranking - 1 Watching that Giants game on Sunday Night was one of the most frustrating experiences ever. Not only was it difficult to hate Eli Manning while simultaneously hoping he wouldn’t suck, but I was watching the game with my girlfriend, who happens to be a huge Packers fan, and didn’t want to let on that I had Manning and Shepard on my fantasy team. This led to a lot of these moments: *Manning gets sacked* Me: “FUCK-...” Kenzie: “What’s wrong?” Me: “...-cking right! Fucking right! Get him! Go Pack Go!” *Quickly leaves room to scream into a pillow* ' ' *Manning fumbles the ball* Me: “Get it, get it!” *Packers fall on it* Me: “Oh come on!” *Catches Kenzie’s glare* Me: “Come on, Pack! Pick it up and run it in for a touchdown…jeeze...” *Contemplates suicide* ' '''Of all the misery I have suffered in my life, at least 90% of it can be traced back to Eli Manning. For that reason, GBM front offices decided to part with the piece of shit first thing Monday morning. This is Matt Ryan’s show. ---- 4(6). Peeled Eggplant Bench Points - 25.40 TPS - 258.87 2015 Week 6 Ranking - 7 It looks like eggplants are back in season. PE got a big win against JJ this past weekend and is the only team other than The Shotti Bunch that has broken 200 in all five weeks. Peeled is playing with a purpose and might have a Gronk-sized chip on their shoulder after trade talks fell through late last week. ---- 5(3). Deez Sons of Bitchez Bench Points - 0 TPS - 161.84 2015 Week 6 Ranking - 4 Dee has always had trouble against RIP. They have just one win in six attempts vs Dab. The team has really sucked the last couple of weeks. I have no joke to put here, they just have really really sucked. At least you can say they started their optimal lineup. Pretty easy when no one on your bench actually played, but still. Little victories. Going against The Shotti Bunch this week does not help matters, but at least they don’t have nearly as many byes with which to contend. Jets are 1-4, too. Just saying. ---- 6(2). Papa’s Posse Bench Points - 39.20 TPS - 251.64 2015 Week 6 Ranking - 6 Huge drop for the Posse this week, mainly due to the rise of some other teams and also the fact that they have been murdered in cold blood. The team will still be considered a serious contender if they can beat their offspring in week six. Carolina defense has not performed like a top five defense so far this season, and Diggs has really cooled down. Now that Brady is back, how will Blount’s production be affected? And what is the deal with the two tight-end set? When do we all gather together at Papa’s house and tell him it’s okay to let go of Jason Witten. Yes, they have spent some beautiful years together. But it’s like The Sopranos. It’s over. Find another show. ---- 7(8). HELLEVATOR MVP Bench Points - 69.48 TPS - 325.45 2015 Week 6 Ranking - 8 MVP continues to fly under the radar. They are the team no one seems to be talking about. Have we all forgotten that they lead the league in wins? That they are only a year removed from a championship? That they continue to start Duke Johnson even though he has touched the ball more than seven times in just two games? Okay, so that last one isn’t great, but those other two things! With the toughest part of the schedule out of the way, it is clear sailing for MVP and I expect them to find their way into the bottom half of the playoff bracket very shortly. ---- 8(7). Jar Jar Stinks! Bench Points - 60.86 TPS - 256.18 2015 Week 6 Ranking - 10 Joe Burns' season is the fantasy football equivalent of being Friend Zoned. His first five weeks went about as well as that date where you think you’re getting laid but she thinks you’re just two buddies going out for a very expensive dinner on your dime. Now that Eric Decker is on season-ending IR, one has to wonder if they are trying to do their best TEAM MANBEARPIG impression. Injuries plagued the team last season, too. ---- 9(9). Ma ma momma said Bench Points - 0 TPS - 165.77 2015 Week 6 Ranking - 3 Cue the video of Trent Dilfer saying MMMS just isn’t good anymore (NOTE: The NFL is cracking down on anyone using their footage, including the actual NFL teams, so just close your eyes and imagine that I edited my voice saying “ma ma momma said” over the footage of Trent Dilfer saying the Patriots aren’t good anymore). I heard a great take on NFL radio the other day. They said that in the first month of the season teams get credit for what they did last season. For example, when the Panthers started off 1-3, everyone still has the mentality that they are nasty because they went 15-1 last year. They get a pass for being 1-3 that teams like the Browns don’t get. Browns start 0-3 you say oh well that’s the Browns. But now we get to the point in the season where you don’t get credit for last year anymore. The Panthers are 1-4. They fucking suck. Last year was last year, this team is not good. My point is, MMMS has been getting some credit for the last four years. But now that they are 1-4 it might be time to start thinking of this team as being really terrible. ---- 10(10). Paddock 9 Bench Points - 36.53 TPS - 221.68 2015 Week 6 Ranking - 9 ' ' Rarely is a team so bad that I run out of negative things to say about them. Week Six Theme - The Sinister Six This is one of our themed weeks! What do the themes mean? Not much, really. But they seemed like a good idea when I was customizing the schedule. Six of the original seven teams from 2011 face off to see who is the best of the OGs. That includes Peeled Eggplant vs. MMMS, who have three 2nd place finishes between them; Paddock 9 vs. RIP, the hottest team vs. the coldest; and Papa’s Posse vs. GaroppoblowMe, the 2011 champ vs. the commish who birthed the league from his giant brain. Then we have the seventh OG team and the team with the most wins in league history (MVP) going up against the newest team and the active team with the league’s fewest wins (JarJar Stinks). Finally, we have the team with the best winning percentage of all time (The Shotti Bunch) going up against the team with the worst winning percentage of all time (Deez Sons of Bitchez). Can Dee and Jar Jar pull upsets? Can Peeled knock MMMS deeper into the depths of despair? Can Paddock 9 remind Dab that this is an even year and Dab isn't supposed to win games in even years? Or will Dab remind P9 that this is a year, and P9 isn't supposed to win games when it's a year. ' ' '''' Matchup of the Week - There Will Be Blood No bond is stronger than family, but Papa’s Posse vs. Garoppoblow Me will do their best to take each other down this weekend. Both are in contention this season after both spent several years in the basement of the standings. GBM, whose team was projected for 2 wins, has matched their hot start from last season but have admittedly faced some soft competition. Papa’s Posse, on the other hand, is coming off a strong showing last week where they were victimized by another 250+ week from their opponent. What makes this matchup most enticing isn’t the close projection but that these teams have the exact same combined win/loss record through 81 games played. That seems almost impossible. A win for GBM keeps them in first place, while a win for PP stops a death spiral and brings hope for a first round bye back to life.